Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize