So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
