Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
