he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
