My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Too much gin, very little bucket
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
