I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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