Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
