Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize