I smell stomach acid.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
