Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
