Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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