I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
