I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
