If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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