guys are only as good as the porn they watch
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's always time for handjobs
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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