Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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