I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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