I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
