Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Houston, we have a blender
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
