My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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