the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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