I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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