I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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