Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you never un-have a 4some
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
