True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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