I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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