I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
