Soap is not a condiment
I cockslap morals
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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