If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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