I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
