My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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