he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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