my being single is dangerous.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
