a queef is a wish your heart makes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
