When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
