Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
