I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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