I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
