I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
