Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
