Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
