Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
