What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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