Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
