Pants 0. Shit 1.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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