a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You are a genius and a whore.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
