A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
