Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
