I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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