Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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