I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
