I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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