Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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