Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
