I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
