oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
