I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
