I wish my penis had an off switch
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
