My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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