the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
