I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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