At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
